Self Made

I walked away from a big salary and bonuses and a company that up until the pandemic let me do whatever I wanted and I was good at my job- probably one of the best they had in that role. Why? Because I wasn’t fulfilled. I was frustrated. I was stressed from the effects of the pandemic and my newly deemed “Essential” status. I felt that the word “Essential” should be reserved for first responders and medical staff not a sales and marketing manager. I felt that I was deemed “expendable” and I was.

My company, though I was a “favorite” by some, viewed me and all my coworkers as expendable and by extension our families were too. That did not sit well with me. My husband had lost his job and I needed insurance for Scarlett but that meant daily risk of exposure to myself while I was going through weekly treatments.

Around August, I had re-developed suicidal thoughts.

I heard the L’appel du vide more loudly than before, it was becoming hard to ignore. The company I worked for was in bankruptcy and that was a new level of stress. I knew something had to change.

My husband had now found employment and had Scarlett and I on his insurance. And then the “small procedure” that I needed to do way back in April (that my boss refused to approve the 3 days time off) now was going to be a full hysterectomy (which took 14 weeks to heal).

I tried to file FMLA and my company kept rejecting it. But I felt that if I stayed I would one day very soon answer the call of the void- I have before.

So, I made the choice that some days I regret and every day I’m proud of.

I chose myself, my health (both physically and mentally), and my family.

I quit my job with no back up- none. I have a “do whatever it takes without sacrificing my morals” approach to earning money and paying bills.

I started my own business and it has already opened so many doors, created new connections, and sparked new friendships. I feel like I’m stepping into myself for the first time in my life.

Decades worth of feelings of being wholly unfulfilled are being washed away. And yet, I feel like I’m doing everyone a disservice.

I promise to be honest in my journey and I have omitted a big part… People comment on my social media and message me that I look happy, I’m glowing, they love my vibe (which I think is my favorite compliment ever), they knew I would be successful… thank you for that- I appreciate you following my journey and the encouragement.

I no longer hear the call and I am very happy- most days.

I will tell you though, I’m not successful in a monetary sense. I’m not. I’m not making the kind of money anyone seems to think I am. I think people just assume that if you’re in business for yourself then you must be successful, if this then that? It’s not true. The life of an entrepreneur is rife with peaks and valleys or, in my case, mountains and an abyss (<– my current location).

I’m debating getting a part time job and resurrecting my old bartender skills or as a cashier at a grocery store. No joke. I’m not too good for honest work and wages.

This is what actual fighting your way to the top looks like. Support your small business friends- were humans with real back stories trying to make it work just like you are.

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