I have something Dark within me.
I try my best to ignore the Darkness. I tell the Darkness it has no place in my life and I remind myself of all the light I have within me. Most days that is enough to keep the Darkness from enveloping my soul.
I have battled this Darkness for 20 years and right now my resolve is wavering.
A few years ago, I made a promise to myself that I would no longer fight this battle in silence and I started writing about it and posting it to my social media. To this day, I have kept that promise.
You see, I feel that when I publicly address my depression, I give my depression no room to hide. I force my depression out into the light where it has to answer for itself. I take away it’s power over me.
So, unlike most everyone else with a mental illness, I battle mine out loud.
One by-product of battling out loud is that I am frequently called things like “brave” or “Supermom” for choosing to speak when so many remain quiet. However, I really don’t like it. I don’t feel brave or like Supermom and I am doing this for my own selfish reasons.
I am not brave.
I am scared that the Darkness is right about me.
I am scared that I belong in the Darkness.
That I deserve the Darkness.
I am coming up on the 1 year anniversary of my life turning to shit, starting with my health, then a few hard financial blows, then my daughter developing a seizure disorder, followed up by some more hard financial blows. Currently, I am writing this from my office wrapped up in a big blanket, hot tea to the left of me as I am sick with pneumonia. What next?!
But as I sit here, and try to divine what to say, I struggle.
I am drawn to the Darkness.
I feel the pull of the void, but I won’t answer.
The Darkness grows restless inside me.
This “Supermom” feels like she is locked in a room of Kryptonite.
This false warrior is not brave at all.
My composure and my delicate grasp on my depression are falling apart. I feel like I am broken in a 100 different ways but I haven’t shattered yet… but the slightest bit of pressure will cause a collapse…
I have openly talked about my use of cannabis/CBD to treat my auto-immune disease as well as my anxiety. I definitely believe in the healing powers of cannabis. However, in this case, I waiver. I am not sure if I can get myself out of this on my own (like I have done in the past) and I don’t think there will be enough CBD to help either.
While at the doctor for my pneumonia check up, my doctor brought up that I had gained weight and that my smile didn’t touch my eyes. I told her about my life stressors and she brought up going back on Wellbutrin, an antidepressant I am very familiar with.
I accepted the prescription but I have not filled it.
Filling it would be me admitting to myself that I am not okay…
Like I am now…
I am not okay.
I have always said that I am my own worst enemy and admitting that I am not alright to you is one thing, admitting that to myself is entirely different.
I need to give myself the Grace I would give others but I am not there yet.