First, thank you all for reading my blog. I wanted to create a space where I can openly talk about the “hard” things in life and I am working very hard to create that space.
I was inspired to write this entry by one friend in particular and when I decided to write this post- I guess it made me more aware of other friends, and even myself that have also fallen victim to these thoughts.
I hope you see that I am coming from a place of love and want nothing but the best.
I know you feel invisible but I wanted you to know that I see you. I see the hard work you put in each and every day because you are me- we are the same.
Each morning, you rise from bed, exhausted. I bet you are wondering if you might steal a quick moment for rest some time in your very busy day before your feet hit the ground.
I bet by the time you pour that first cup of coffee you have abandoned your plan for a moment’s rest in lieu of just going to bed earlier.
We both know that’s not going to happen.
You get the kids ready, it’s difficult because one can’t find their shoes and the other still wont get out of bed. They will just have to buy lunch today- you need to remember to add money to their accounts.
You’re stressed – because you have a meeting with your boss today, who is very much single and childless and therefore not sympathetic. Maybe they will give that promotion you deserve to Jenkins because she’s hungry-af.
Your husband, who has been sleeping gets up, get’s ready for work, grabs breakfast and coffee to go, kisses you on the cheek, hollers goodbye to the kids and is out the door.
Must be nice.
You drop the kid’s off at school, only to realize that child #2 forgot their lunch. You circle back only to run right into Ms. Schwarz, who makes you feel like shit for not every being able to volunteer as classroom mom.
You get to work, late. Jenkin’s eager-ass is already in the meeting and she had time to get donuts, and not just any donut- she stopped and got some bougie donuts that are so insta-worthy you could die.
Friend, I see you.
You finish the meeting, go about your work day which is a non-plus. You then sit in traffic on the way home to pick up the kids. Dinner is going to be a challenge because your husband said he would stop on the way home but now he has to work late and you didn’t have time to grocery shop this weekend.
Nonetheless you manage to find something that the kids will all eat.
Did the oldest have a project due?
Is homework done?
Wait, did I just hear my work email go off on my phone?
Your husband gets home. He’s had a hard day and isn’t very talkative- he complains that the house is messy and goes off to play Xbox with his friends who are waiting on him to join them.
It’s now 9pm and you go take a shower and silently cry.
You cry because you are so tired.
You cry because you are afraid you are a bad mother.
You cry because your husband doesn’t help.
You cry because you work your ass off at work, are entirely capable, and that promotion that should be yours went to Jenkins.
You cry because you feel like a failure.
You cry because you think you are alone in this, that no one else is as bad at this as you are.
Friend, I see you.
I AM YOU.
You are not a failure.
YOU are not a failure
YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!
Friend, I see you .
I see the caring, wonderful woman that you are.
I see a person who puts the needs of their family above their own.
I see a person who works so hard to do such a good job at work to be able to be that second stream of income for their family.
I see you push your dreams aside for the development of your husband’s and children’s dreams.
Friend, I believe in you and I want you to know that you are not a failure.
I wish you could see your position in the world the way that I see it.
I wish that you could forgive yourself and let go of that fucking mommy guilt.
You are doing the best you that you can and your “best” is good enough.
You are good enough.
Please, please, please know that.
Friend, what I want you to understand is that it is okay to have a messy house, it is okay to not volunteer for the class mom bullshit, it is okay to let Jenkins get that promotion (you and I both know she will fuck it up anyway).
The failure you feel, is self-imposed. I know it is hard to hear, it was hard for me too. Remove the pressure you put on yourself. Quit focusing on the moments in the day where your feel like a failure and look at the moments when you were so clearly crushing it.
Examples: You helped your daughter with her with homework- did you know that she has struggled to learn that topic until you sat down with her? That is a win.
Or what about your ability to MacGyver the shit out of dinner- did you know that your kitchen skills are inspiring your son to be a chef?
Mommy guilt is a self-imposed prison.
Friend, I see you…
Can you see me?