Friend, I see you.

First, thank you all for reading my blog. I wanted to create a space where I can openly talk about the “hard” things in life and I am working very hard to create that space.

I was inspired to write this entry by one friend in particular and when I decided to write this post- I guess it made me more aware of other friends, and even myself that have also fallen victim to these thoughts.

I hope you see that I am coming from a place of love and want nothing but the best.

Dear Friend,

I know you feel invisible but I wanted you to know that I see you. I see the hard work you put in each and every day because you are me- we are the same.

Each morning, you rise from bed, exhausted. I bet you are wondering if you might steal a quick moment for rest some time in your very busy day before your feet hit the ground.

I bet by the time you pour that first cup of coffee you have abandoned your plan for a moment’s rest in lieu of just going to bed earlier.

We both know that’s not going to happen.

You get the kids ready, it’s difficult because one can’t find their shoes and the other still wont get out of bed. They will just have to buy lunch today- you need to remember to add money to their accounts.

You’re stressed – because you have a meeting with your boss today, who is very much single and childless and therefore not sympathetic. Maybe they will give that promotion you deserve to Jenkins because she’s hungry-af.

Your husband, who has been sleeping gets up, get’s ready for work, grabs breakfast and coffee to go, kisses you on the cheek, hollers goodbye to the kids and is out the door.

Must be nice.

You drop the kid’s off at school, only to realize that child #2 forgot their lunch. You circle back only to run right into Ms. Schwarz, who makes you feel like shit for not every being able to volunteer as classroom mom.

You get to work, late. Jenkin’s eager-ass is already in the meeting and she had time to get donuts, and not just any donut- she stopped and got some bougie donuts that are so insta-worthy you could die.

Fucking. Jenkins.

Friend, I see you.

You finish the meeting, go about your work day which is a non-plus. You then sit in traffic on the way home to pick up the kids. Dinner is going to be a challenge because your husband said he would stop on the way home but now he has to work late and you didn’t have time to grocery shop this weekend.

Nonetheless you manage to find something that the kids will all eat.

Bath time.

Did the oldest have a project due?

Is homework done?

Wait, did I just hear my work email go off on my phone?

Your husband gets home. He’s had a hard day and isn’t very talkative- he complains that the house is messy and goes off to play Xbox with his friends who are waiting on him to join them.

It’s now 9pm and you go take a shower and silently cry.

You cry because you are so tired.

You cry because you are afraid you are a bad mother.

You cry because your husband doesn’t help.

You cry because you work your ass off at work, are entirely capable, and that promotion that should be yours went to Jenkins.

You cry because you feel like a failure.

You cry because you think you are alone in this, that no one else is as bad at this as you are.

Friend, I see you.

I AM YOU.

You are not a failure.

YOU are not a failure

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!

Friend, I see you .

I see the caring, wonderful woman that you are.

I see a person who puts the needs of their family above their own.

I see a person who works so hard to do such a good job at work to be able to be that second stream of income for their family.

I see you push your dreams aside for the development of your husband’s and children’s dreams.

Friend, I believe in you and I want you to know that you are not a failure.

I wish you could see your position in the world the way that I see it.

I wish that you could forgive yourself and let go of that fucking mommy guilt.

You are doing the best you that you can and your “best” is good enough.

You are good enough.

Please, please, please know that.

Friend, what I want you to understand is that it is okay to have a messy house, it is okay to not volunteer for the class mom bullshit, it is okay to let Jenkins get that promotion (you and I both know she will fuck it up anyway).

The failure you feel, is self-imposed. I know it is hard to hear, it was hard for me too. Remove the pressure you put on yourself. Quit focusing on the moments in the day where your feel like a failure and look at the moments when you were so clearly crushing it.

Examples: You helped your daughter with her with homework- did you know that she has struggled to learn that topic until you sat down with her? That is a win.

Or what about your ability to MacGyver the shit out of dinner- did you know that your kitchen skills are inspiring your son to be a chef?

Mommy guilt is a self-imposed prison.

Friend, I see you…

Can you see me?

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Meddling

I wrote a blog post not too long ago saying that we need to talk about hard things.

This will be a hard post for me. I don’t want to write this post because my emotions are still raw from this and I am still trying to forgive the people in my family who, through their own willful ignorance and total disregard for my feelings have broken my heart.

My husband and I were blessed with our daughter in the fall of 2005. When she was a year old we started to try for baby #2. However, after more than a decade of infertility we were not so fortunate.

While on vacation for Christmas of 2016, I told my husband that I really felt that we were meant to have another baby and I asked him to give fertility treatments one last try. I told him I felt that we were meant to have more babies and, to my surprise, he didn’t need any convincing.

When we got back from our vacation, we immediately called our doctors to start the process. Everything seemed to line up, my husband did need to see a specialist with a 6 month wait list but I happened to call and there was a cancellation and he could be seen the next day. Further, the doctor was able to diagnose my husband’s issues quickly and he was in for a minor surgery the following week.

During that time, my doctor ran all the tests and I had a quick procedure as well and we were all set.

Please understand that I truly felt in my soul that we were going to FINALLY have another baby- actually, I thought we were going to have twins if I am being honest.

We started looking for a bigger home and when we would walk through new homes I would say to him, “this isn’t the house for our family- I can’t picture the twins here.”

Then we walked into what turned out to be our current home and I knew- I KNEW that this this was the home for my husband, daughter, and the future twins we were going to have.

Everything felt perfect.

Fertility treatment was rough on me. After 6 months, my doctor thought I might need another procedure and then my husband blindsided me by saying that he no longer wanted to continue with the process.

Just like that, it was over. My hope was gone. I couldn’t get pregnant if my husband wasn’t willing to participate anymore.

To say I was devastated would be an understatement. I was heartbroken. Worse yet, the person who broke my heart was the person I love most on the planet.

I grieved.

I grieved the loss of the twins I was so sure we were going to have.

I still miss them.

It took me a very long time to move past that. A. Very. Long. Time. I also had to forgive my husband because I blamed him for my heartbreak.

After 2 years I could finally look at a baby and not feel a deep sense of loss.

Then comes the phone call that ripped my heart wide open. There are a set of newborn twins in my family and they now need a foster family and possible adoption.

These twins are located in another state, their mother very much loves them and I very much love their mother- my sister.

I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why they are calling me for this as I am 800 miles away and there is a lot of family much closer than I am. In fact, I had spoken to the social worker previously and was told that I wouldn’t ever be an option unless my sister’s kids were placed for adoption which wouldn’t happen. The social worker and I did talk about being a good resource for my sister and I said I would do what I could to help her from 800 miles away and I even made a trip there to help my sister last month.

Confused, I asked the case worker and the attorney, “Why me? What has changed form our last conversations?” Their responses both were, “Because we interviewed multiple family members and they all said to give the twins to you. No one in your family here is willing to help and they are all positive you will.”

That’s when a door that was closed so tightly (for my own mental health) was busted right open.

Now, before you get all excited that my wishes came true. Due to my daughter’s illness and medical bills we cannot bring in two newborn babies into our home. I have agonized over this, please don’t judge my decision.

But this hurts me. I feel this sadness in my bones. Do you know what it feels like to say no to something you have prayed for so hard for so many years? Do you know how devastating it is to not be able to help your family? When I say I have agonized, I have. I have tried to figure out some way to help these babies- even though they are not mine and there is strong possibility that their mother, my sister, will get them back and I would just be a placeholder. I have prayed to be able to hold a baby longer than just the five minutes I get when I meet one of my friends’ babies. I have prayed for midnight feedings and for spit-up on my shirt. I have prayed so hard.

My heart is raw and exposed.

I am so angry at the family members who, without a thought or care for anyone other than themselves, said “give the twins to Trina.” They did it without thinking. I don’t care if their intent wasn’t to hurt me, they did. They assumed I would just do it. They never thought about how much it would hurt me to take in two babies, or worse yet, not be able to take in two babies after I have spent more than 10 years doing everything possible to have another baby of my own.

I would cry in the bathroom each time my cycle started. I wanted this so badly and here I am turning it away…

This blog post isn’t over, I just can’t continue writing it.

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Life’s Lemons that Insurance Doesn’t Cover, Still a Blessing

It has been a while since I have wanted to sit at my computer and write. I have so many topics running through my head and I can’t really commit to any one. Sometimes the topics sit at the front of my brain begging to be written and yet I silence them.

I have chosen not to write.

In the last 5 weeks, I have had my world turned upside down. It has been hard blow after hard blow.

My daughter developed catamenial epilepsy and between 2 ER visits, a 2-day hospital stay, and multiple doctor visits- insurance doesn’t want to pay because they fail to see how it was a “medical necessity” to stay in the hospital.

I can’t even understand that.

My daughter was admitted by an emergency room doctor who worked with a pediatric neurologist and the insurance said it wasn’t a medical necessity? I don’t get it. But our fucked up medical system isn’t what I want to write about.

After my daughter’s hospital stay, my transmission on my 4 year old car went out (only 81k miles). The day after I got my car back, someone rear-ended me.

Seriously, what the fuck?

I cannot make this stuff up.

If this would have happened to me a few years ago, the old me would not be able to cope. I would be crying wondering why all the bad things are happening to me.

I don’t know when it happened exactly. When I became a person who chooses to look to the positive or to find the lesson learned in the hard times but I am glad I have changed. I am glad that I have learned that despite all the bad things I have many blessings in my life.

When life goes sideways I try to remember all the things I am thankful for. This is not some new piece of advice- I am not reinventing the wheel with some helpful trick to overcome all the bullshit that happens in life but this is what I do and it works. I seriously sit down and list out all the things I have to be thankful for. There is something truly eye opening and humbling when I see how blessed I really am written down in bullet form.

Okay, so bills may be late while we work on a new budget to fit in a new $4.5k transmission rebuild, a $22k 2-day hospital stay, and a $4k 4-hour emergency room visit. At least my daughter is on a treatment plan and I am able to get approval on a small loan to pay off my transmission repairs- some people would be without a car permanently.

Blessings, like beauty, are to the eye of the beholder. Some people count blessings as all the things they have around them, or by the house they live in and the car they drive… and if people feel that those are blessings who am I to judge? However, to me, blessings are the people in my life, my husband, our daughter, my brother and his kids, and I am blessed beyond measure with my circle of friends and family or “framily” as I like to call them.

These are the the people who will read my blogs entries and find the typos for me, the people who will offer to watch my dogs while I am in the hospital, the people who I can call because I am stuck in traffic and I need my daughter picked up by a certain time- who will not only go and pick her up but take her to dinner so she stays on schedule.

The world is full of good and wonderful people and I am BLESSED to know so many of those people.

A few years ago, I was asked the question, “If you died today what would be said about you at your funeral?” I wasn’t entirely sure, some people would say I was a good person but there were definitely people who would say I was a horrible person. I know I am never going to win over the entire population of the world but I for sure know that I want to be remembered as a person who truly cared and a person who helped make her small corner of the world a better place.

Life is hard, it will knock you down if you let it. It would be so easy to let that just happen. But getting up each day and fighting and working hard towards a better life is so much more fulfilling.

To my blessings- my framily. Thank you for all that you do for me and mine and I hope that you all know that I would be there for you as well.

Thanks for reading, Trina

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