I wrote a blog post not too long ago saying that we need to talk about hard things.

This will be a hard post for me. I don’t want to write this post because my emotions are still raw from this and I am still trying to forgive the people in my family who, through their own willful ignorance and total disregard for my feelings have broken my heart.

My husband and I were blessed with our daughter in the fall of 2005. When she was a year old we started to try for baby #2. However, after more than a decade of infertility we were not so fortunate.

While on vacation for Christmas of 2016, I told my husband that I really felt that we were meant to have another baby and I asked him to give fertility treatments one last try. I told him I felt that we were meant to have more babies and, to my surprise, he didn’t need any convincing.

When we got back from our vacation, we immediately called our doctors to start the process. Everything seemed to line up, my husband did need to see a specialist with a 6 month wait list but I happened to call and there was a cancellation and he could be seen the next day. Further, the doctor was able to diagnose my husband’s issues quickly and he was in for a minor surgery the following week.

During that time, my doctor ran all the tests and I had a quick procedure as well and we were all set.

Please understand that I truly felt in my soul that we were going to FINALLY have another baby- actually, I thought we were going to have twins if I am being honest.

We started looking for a bigger home and when we would walk through new homes I would say to him, “this isn’t the house for our family- I can’t picture the twins here.”

Then we walked into what turned out to be our current home and I knew- I KNEW that this this was the home for my husband, daughter, and the future twins we were going to have.

Everything felt perfect.

Fertility treatment was rough on me. After 6 months, my doctor thought I might need another procedure and then my husband blindsided me by saying that he no longer wanted to continue with the process.

Just like that, it was over. My hope was gone. I couldn’t get pregnant if my husband wasn’t willing to participate anymore.

To say I was devastated would be an understatement. I was heartbroken. Worse yet, the person who broke my heart was the person I love most on the planet.

I grieved.

I grieved the loss of the twins I was so sure we were going to have.

I still miss them.

It took me a very long time to move past that. A. Very. Long. Time. I also had to forgive my husband because I blamed him for my heartbreak.

After 2 years I could finally look at a baby and not feel a deep sense of loss.

Then comes the phone call that ripped my heart wide open. There are a set of newborn twins in my family and they now need a foster family and possible adoption.

These twins are located in another state, their mother very much loves them and I very much love their mother- my sister.

I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why they are calling me for this as I am 800 miles away and there is a lot of family much closer than I am. In fact, I had spoken to the social worker previously and was told that I wouldn’t ever be an option unless my sister’s kids were placed for adoption which wouldn’t happen. The social worker and I did talk about being a good resource for my sister and I said I would do what I could to help her from 800 miles away and I even made a trip there to help my sister last month.

Confused, I asked the case worker and the attorney, “Why me? What has changed form our last conversations?” Their responses both were, “Because we interviewed multiple family members and they all said to give the twins to you. No one in your family here is willing to help and they are all positive you will.”

That’s when a door that was closed so tightly (for my own mental health) was busted right open.

Now, before you get all excited that my wishes came true. Due to my daughter’s illness and medical bills we cannot bring in two newborn babies into our home. I have agonized over this, please don’t judge my decision.

But this hurts me. I feel this sadness in my bones. Do you know what it feels like to say no to something you have prayed for so hard for so many years? Do you know how devastating it is to not be able to help your family? When I say I have agonized, I have. I have tried to figure out some way to help these babies- even though they are not mine and there is strong possibility that their mother, my sister, will get them back and I would just be a placeholder. I have prayed to be able to hold a baby longer than just the five minutes I get when I meet one of my friends’ babies. I have prayed for midnight feedings and for spit-up on my shirt. I have prayed so hard.

My heart is raw and exposed.

I am so angry at the family members who, without a thought or care for anyone other than themselves, said “give the twins to Trina.” They did it without thinking. I don’t care if their intent wasn’t to hurt me, they did. They assumed I would just do it. They never thought about how much it would hurt me to take in two babies, or worse yet, not be able to take in two babies after I have spent more than 10 years doing everything possible to have another baby of my own.

I would cry in the bathroom each time my cycle started. I wanted this so badly and here I am turning it away…

This blog post isn’t over, I just can’t continue writing it.

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